Doomsday.....
Background : Thanksgiving 2004, Georgia, my family including my eldest and her boyfriend are staying with my wife’s cousin and her family. During the festivities there was a couple of incidents involving alleged sexploits of my daughter. Basically due to acute paranoia and borderline insanity on the part of the cousin’s husband we were forced to cut our trip short and head for home (8 hours drive) at 1am. Worse than that cousin who did nothing but apologize for the husbands outbursts for 3 days did a complete 180 on the issue and sent a scathing email pillorying my daughter’s sexploits, and our parenting skills, divulging information told to her in confidence and then cc’d it to the entire family. Worse than the indignation that we felt was the effect it had on my daughter who had in fact done nothing even close to a sexploit during the trip. Needless to say a 5500 word, 9 page response was in order, pointing out their every flaw and revealing a few "for your ears only" comments of her own. Subsequently, after several more emails the cousin again 180ed and admitted that she only said the things she had said because of her loyalty to her husband, were not her own opinion and that she regretted the pain she had caused. Apology accepted, forgiveness….. welll we will see. My Daughter was not so generous, apologies were discarded, unread, or treated with a "well that’s nice isn’t it?" and forgiveness is completely out of the question, and basically now she refuses to even discuss the issue and wants nothing to do with her ‘aunt’.
So on to the present…. In 2 ½ weeks my daughter is getting married…. The Aunt is not invited, my daughter is quite adamant, and while she accepts that she will have to face down the aunt sometime, her wedding day is not that day. I did not agree initially, mostly because I hadn’t talked directly to her on the subject so I demanded that we talk, after that talk, I must say I was impressed with a maturity that she seldom displays. Her arguments were valid, reasonable and she was matter of fact and resolute. She was not even angry at her aunt, just that she would be uncomfortable around her and didn’t want that at her wedding. The aunt has now approached her parents, and siblings, to boycott the wedding because she is not invited, both siblings rejected her out of hand, and immediately told us what she was up to, the parents, are in a very difficult situation, how to remain supportive of their daughter while not doing the unthinkable. I have no doubt that they will be at the wedding.
Anyway the point to all this…… Tonight the aunt/cousin is coming for dinner….. wish me luck!!!
10 Comments:
Wow! What a story!
Family dysfunction is so much fun isn't it? Only made that much more fun by throwing a wedding in there for good measure.
Lisa
justagirlintheworld.com
I think I'm still beating you in the arsehole-relative thing though ...
Are there classes on how to be a jerkhole relative? I swear, I must've missed the advertisement.
I'm proud that your daughter has a solid reasoning base. That will take her far.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this shameful stuff. Cripes. What is the matter with some people?
hah, that all sounds very familiar, I was in a similar situation with Dan's aunt, who I haven't even met yet but who is calling me a slut left, right and centre.
Your daughter sounds very similar to me inher thinking sometimes :)
OK so that wasn't wierd at all?!?!?!? We had a perfectly normal visit.... not a mention of Thanksgiving, not a mention of the wedding..... even when we discussed my Daughter (very guardedly).... very strange.
You know, the subject about the wedding is going to come up. What are you going to do?
Jethro, I'm sure it will come up, I don't know if she was imbaressed or what, but nothing was said. In the weeks after thanksgiving some pretty nasty emails went back and forward, I only wish I could post them all for you, but one I wouldn't impose 5 hours of reading on you and secondly it would take too long to sanatize, but there are issues there too that remain unadressed. I'm sure that we will resolve themsooner or later, and I expect that my daughter and her aunt will work out something too, but things are destined to never be the same again. The one thing yesterday that was noticable was that we were extremely guarded in what we said, and several times my wife or i would have to give a look to say shut up!!! As far as her not being at the wedding, that is a direct repercussion of her actions after thanksgiving, and while I am sorry that she is upset, I will not put her happiness ahead of my daughters, especially on her wedding day.
We have been "told" that we should be able to over-rule my daughter and invite her anyway, but for one I disagree, and secondly even if it were up to me right now I don't think she would be invited.
Noonie, It was truly surreal, I am usually very slow to anger, but I bear a grudge for a long time once I have become angry. so for me particularly it was difficult to invite this woman into my home that not 5 months ago I was cutting out of my life forever. I sat there while she spoke, thinking I called you a stupid bitch, in front of the whole family, and far worse besides, I have never apologised, nor do I feel in any way apologetic, I spat every ounce of vemon in my body at you, and yet now you sit there as if nothing happened??? but I sat there, smiled, made small talk and just let the moments pass. It was very nice to see her kids, her two year old is huge, a full inch or more taller than my 3 1/2 year old, and only 2 or 3 lbs lighter than my almost 6yo, but she is very cute, The older kid has sprouted up like a weed too, she was weary to start with, but then the last time she saw us she was sent to bed early for being naughty, in the morning we were unexpectedly all gone. In all this the people I feel most sad for are her two kids, it was largely because of the freindship between her kids and ours that this meeting even occured.
Yikes, what a mess. Sounds like she is making a wise decision to me. I wouldn't want someone at my wedding if it was going to create an uncomfortable situation. You never know what could end up happening if she is there, she could make matters worse. I wish you luck on the dinner and the wedding. Hope you are doing well otherwise and have a great weekend. :)
"overrule" her decision? How would she like it if someone did that on her wedding day?
Noonie.... :-) kids are great aren't they!!! they should be considered the third conastant, death, taxes and kids.
We fresquently host the major family event meals, Thanksgiving and Christmas, mostly because we are the only ones who can cook! mind you gas prices are a lot cheaper here (dispite everyones bitching) so we don't get any complaints.
Harleyquinn, You hit the nail on the head, I certainly wouldn't put it past her to make a scene at the wedding, she is having a real tough time of it accepting that my daughter isn't ready to forgive her yet, maybe ever. She has a history of inapropriate action when she has an issue that is not everyone elses priority.
Jethro, I know but she is not thinking straight, she is far to caught up in the whole thing to take a deep breath. most of the rest of us (everyone else) have accepted that it is going to take time to heal and got on with the rest of our lives. I apreciate that is hard for her to do but honestly by saying things like "if you go your against me" is just perpetuating it.
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